Letter to friend

Do you know what it was? 😏 

The reason I called so many times that day? knowing your cellphone was off. Knowing you had set the date wrong; that you had slept in. That it wasn't important to you to attend our friends wedding? 

Loneliness. Not so much so that I wanted you to see me in a dress, or that I liked you so much, but loneliness. I am an alien. And you so knowledgeable of the world always made me feel comfortable. I barely knew the groom, much less his family, the bride was a good friend but not the best, no, though at the time we thought we where. Her parents always made me feel judged, and I couldn't relate to her sisters, somehow I was there, I thought you would be too, but you never came. 

Somehow that anxiety of that moment came back to me today. And I remembered you.

I hardly think of you anymore, but when I find myself wishing for intelligent conversation trails of your pompous voice and reflections of your smirk make their way back to me. Then I remember how upsetting it was to find out what you really thought of me.  And the value of your memory diminishes. I don't wish you any ill, but maybe that you go to make yourself a pot of coffee and find that your wife drank the last cup.

Adulting is Difficult 2016

With my 31st birthday around the corner, I keep noticing all the changes taking place in my life. Many people have already been this way since they got out of high school, but I know my midlife crisis will be much more settle then theirs. By observation, my personal conclusion of the term, is when people in their middle ages try to gain back their youth, by extreme measures. Since I have been indulging in mine, I'm certain that what  ever my future brings for that event, will be settle.
As a person who embraces (an act of accepting or supporting something willingly or enthusiastically) both good and bad things of all walks of life, it is hard for me to choose a path. In movies, everyone has a role to play, a stereotype, a cliche. And then there will be the lead role, who is different from everyone else in the movie. but after watching the movie, eventually you could categorize that person as something you can relate to: a hippie, the bad boy, that messed up tattoo chick, that weirdo, the business man, the jock, the rich kid... etc etc.To me there is too much segregation in this world, I hope to fight stereotypes, and not fit the mold that has been given to me.

Following my own Advice

It's strange, when you realize you are doing the very thing you were angry at your ex for. I want to go into extensive detail about someone who made an impact in my life: the rebound guy.
He wasn't the best of people, but he wasn't the worst. He was a cripple (metaphorically speaking). No one is truly going through life on their own, something about life, in life, keeps them going. However some people depend on other things too much. This was the case for my friend, the rebound guy. This much I understood about him. I found that we had many things in common, but the one thing that stood out, was our interactions with people, similar, but different. In my world, I have potential lovers, and minions. I don't really "friend-zone" people, I lead them on. I believed it was a similar case for my friend. We both love coffee, and have a special place in our hearts for The Beatles. On everything else, we were pretty different.
It was in those differences that I found myself trapped in a puzzle, a brain teazer, being someone who enjoys math, I couldn't get enough of him. I wanted more. He did not. -- I found myself in the same predicament as my x-fiance, trying to date someone I couldn't understand, trying to control him, but really it was me who would end up being controlled. I found myself being mean to him, punishing him for being himself. I wanted him to take better care of himself, but he had no desire to. I could make up excuses for him, but that wont change anything. All I can do, is hope he takes responsibility for his actions, and the consequences. I stopped hanging out with him when I couldn't bare his unwillingness to love me back. This much about the past is clear. Now and everything in-between is a puzzle, I don't understand, we tried being just friends, but it wasn't working for me. What I do know is that there is no sense in remaining his friend. There is nothing logical about keeping him around, now that I have found my love.
The rebound guy did as rebound guys do, he helped me move on from my x-fiance, he even gave me an extra nudge in the self esteem department. Maybe more than what I am not giving him credit for. How can I know for sure what I am doing on my own or if it's his doing? I let him go, because at one point in my life I witnessed true love. I don't remember or recall from where, but it wasn't what he was offering.
Since I became a mother, I've realized my mistakes sooner, sometimes I knew I was walking into one, but I have made several efforts to correct these mistakes for the sake of my son. I don't want him to grow up thinking that what I had with his father, was what love looks like. I want him to know what a healthy relationship looks like. So far I have failed miserably. But I believe love exists. I want to believe it can happen for me.
I grew up with my parents setting the example of constantly disagreeing with each other, yelling, sometimes being romantic and childish. Growing up after my parents divorced was even gloomier. My mother was in constant pain, but she catered to my sister's and I's wants and needs; overcompensating for the absence of our father; trying to make up for her failed marriage. This is what I was used to by the time I was an adult, being spoiled with "fun" while someone else suffered on my behalf. This is what I was taught love looked like. I believe this is the root of my pattern of failed relationships. I really think I am breaking free from this routine with my love.
A part of me regrets that I could not help my friend, that I wasn't the right tool to dig him out of his rut. Another part of me is angry with myself, because I only valued myself as much as a tool. I didn't want him to be miserable, but every time I tried to control him, miserable is what he would be. Recognizing this pattern was easy, Admitting that it was wrong, was the difficult part. Admitting that real love is simple, was the hardest lesson.

A Freedom I Never Knew

I love him to the fullest and he absorbs it

He loves me and I overflow 

Together we are infinite

Apart he is my ocean 

Apart I am his sky

He vapors me kisses

I shower him with reflections of love

I want nothing
I am happy knowing he exists
He is real
My honesty
He is Understanding


I know I suck at poetry. I am just in Awe, of this beautiful person in my life. I think my whole life I've just been dating Assholes. I mean, I never asked for much, but my partners were always very demanding, and now I have this wonderful person... He listens to my stories, and his insight it so releasing. I have been feeling stuck my whole life because I had all this love to give and no one to truly receive it. Every day I spend with him I'm able to let go and give. For me, the root to my pursuit of happiness is the freedom to love. For other people life is about power/control, fame, Respect/Honor, the pursuit of Knowledge/Wisdom, all these things lead people to feel accomplished. These things are what we measure success by, and they are the keys to the roots of some peoples Happiness.
The funny thing about these things is that in order to master one, you must become knowledgeable in all the others. In order to do this, you have to be patient, with a willingness to learn, put yourself in other peoples shoes, learn from their walk of life. You have to be willing to face your fears, make decisions based on instinct, be willing to make mistakes and suffer the consequences. Otherwise how will you know -- that you're tried?
Well I spent my childhood watching my mother suffer, because my father didn't love her to the fullest. What made her stuck was being religious, following rules that only applied to her. My father certainly didn't feel that they applied to him. Among'st other things making her stuck; she put her self worth in others: she's always seeking the approval of others, and she undervalued herself, she never gave herself credit when credit was due. She was too humble. Worst of all she doesn't know how to love herself. You wont know how to truly treat someone until you know how to treat yourself. - That's the true meaning of the phrase: You must love yourself first, before you can love others.
I didn't want to repeat this mistake, in high school I dated without sex, for at least 3 relationships. After I started having sex, I would stay with my boyfriends for a minimum of 6 months, and up to 3 years. I've been married once, divorced, and engaged twice and proposed to 3 times, but one didn't have a ring, so I don't count that one, plus I think my answer was, "ehhh... that's.. not what I want?" Somewhere along those lines, during a time I had a strong opinion about myself. I have been in search of a god.
Ultimately this had to be someone I was proud to stand by, that I respected, admired, and was capable of returning those feelings. And on top of that, that man would earn my trust, love and devotion. Sadly every guy in my life has fallen short of most of these requirements, but I tried to make it work anyways, -that was always my mistake... I would fall into a pattern where I lowered my standards, because I allowed their negligence and disrespect, affect me. Losing my self worth, and settling for less than worthy of my love. Never underestimate what the power of love can do.
Now I have this wonderful person, he fits my criteria, and has yet to fall short. I can do anything as long as my love can flow through him. He loves me back and I feel so empowered. This is what love does for me. Since I have been with him my creativity has increased, my fear of being judged has greatly lowered, and job hunting isn't as stressful. I am no longer stuck. I have no limits, I am free.
because I am love.

Peanut butter cookies

Today I am making peanut butter cookies with white chocolate chips. I scoured the internet, and it looks like the best combination is 1 cup, of  your 3 essential ingredients:  Peanut butter, light brown sugar, and butter. The rest has personal modifications, that all depend on personal preference.

So I found myself with a boyfriend. And his favorite cookies, you guessed it,  ^peanut butter cookies with white chocolate chips. So, here I am in my kitchen 2 days before V-day baking. Too rich for my taste buds, don't get me wrong, I love peanut butter, and have been known to eat a jar of Skippy in one sitting. Hence why I stay away from the cookies. I would gain 20 pounds if my brain would let me indulge the way it dose with oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Unfortunately for me, all these  alarms go off in my head and wont let me eat a cookie that's bigger than the space I can make between my thumb and index finger. 

I don't always find myself excited for valentines day, but when I do, well I don't draw hearts all over everything. But I'm a giver, and I think he is too, I'm excited. Hence the cookies.

I have another love in my life, I like to call my other friends and family. So whenever I make cookies, I make enough for all of them. My bestie, in particular, eats gluten-free. Over the years I have collected several different types of flour; because of this friendship, and curiosity, but the most impressive amongst the gluten free flours, is coconut flour. So you will also find an altered version of this recipe made gluten free. She also has a sensitivity to milk products, but she survives those.
 Tip: right now would be a great time to set your cold butter on top of your stove. While  the oven, or something you might be heating on the stove is producing heat. Occasionally rotate the butter to a different side. Soon your butter will be soft.

Keep in mind that I make my cookies purely based on taste. So trust me I love this coconut flour, it tastes like, duh, coconuts! And everything you bake with it will taste like coconuts.  If you don't like coconuts, use rice flour, it's tasteless to a degree, anything you add to it, will bring out that sweet steamed rice flavor you might really be into like I am.

I rarely do subs for sugar, cuz cookies just are not the same, but I do reduce the amount of the recommended dose. 

So I have an excellent tip for you:

When measuring out the peanut butter line the measuring cup with parchment paper, or wax paper. It makes cleaning up the mess so much easier.

The recipe:

1 cup of Peanut butter (Adams)

1 cup of Light Brown Sugar (you could add 1/2 a cup more for taste)

1 cup of softened butter  (microwave 2 stick for 30 secs in microwave safe bowl)

2 Eggs

1Tblsp of Vanilla

2 Tblsp Milk

2 cups of Flour (+ 1/2 if the consistency isn't what you hoped for)

1 tsp of Baking Powder (optional)

1tsp of Baking Soda

1/2 tsp of Salt

1 cup of White Chocolate Chips (or a whole bag if you like lots of chips)

Cook at 350° for 10 minutes, if they don't look done, leave them in and check on them every 2 minutes, till the bottom half starts looking golden brown.

If you haven't made cookies before, the best way to make them is by using two bowls. In one bowl you mix your "wet" ingredients (eggs, sugar, butter, peanut butter, milk, vanilla).  In the other, your "dry" ingredients (flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt).

A tip: in a measuring cup put your baking soda, salt, and baking powder. With a spoon stir the ingredients.  You will note that the salt crushes the little clumps of baking soda. And now you can slowly sift your lifting agent into your flour.

The optional Baking Powder: after trying my peanut butter cookies I noticed how soft they were. This is due to the baking powder. It can make anything fluffy. However, I remember the peanut butter cookies my sister used to make, and they were chewy. So if you want chewy cookies: add 1/2 cup of dark brown sugar,  and don't use the baking powder.

Once your "wet" ingredients are well mixed, and as are your "dry" ingredients; mix them together. Then add your white chocolate chips and now you can roll the dough into balls and dip them in sugar. Or just place them in the cookie sheet.

So as you can see, I use parchment paper.  It doesn't matter How great or crappie my cookie tray is, the parchment paper always makes my cookies perfect. 

Now I'm starting on the gluten free cookies.

Same instructions,  new recipe and options.

1 cup of Peanut Butter
1 cup of Light Brown Sugar
1/2 cup of Butter
1/2 cup of Coconut Oil
3 eggs
2 Tblsp of Almond/soy/rice Milk
1 Tblsp of Vanilla

1 & 1/2 cup of Coconut Flour
1/2 tsp of Salt
1/2 tsp of Baking Soda
1/2 tsp of Baking Powder (optional)

1 cup of White Chocolate Chips

Cook at 325 °  for 10 minutes or less. If they don't look done, leave them in and check on them every 2 minutes.
Option: instead of rolling them in sugar, maybe you could roll them in oatmeal?

Tip: when measuring out the coconut oil,  you will want to use a glass measuring cup. Because the oil really sticks to plastic. I had to wash my measuring cups 3 times before I could get mine clean. Again you might want to line your measuring cup with parchment paper for easy  clean up.
As you roll your cookies you will notice they are a bit more oily than your regular cookies. Don't worry this doesn't affect the swelling of the cookies, but they will be easier to burn. So check your cookies often.

You will also notice, that the coconut flour tends to be more crumbly in a cookie. So if you were planning on dipping these cookies in milk -- well do it quickly. Because they are a bit fragile. Especially while they are still warm.

a butterfly? moth? dragonfly? ladybug? something new?

 The best way to write, is to start typing... I have been so hyper focused on moving on, that I had forgotten what I was moving on from. I guess that's how it should work. They say the best way to improve your writing is to read, read many books that use big words, words that make you question if you are guessing it correctly. So you google it, just in case, and then you find that you were right. That's always a pleasant feeling, to know you figured something out on your own, and that you were right. It's different from knowing the knowledge and then being right.
I have so much resentment towards my ex-fionce. He might say I provoked him to act the way he did. And perhaps hes right, but really he was barking up the wrong tree. You should not persue someone you don't understand. If anything you can persue a friendship. But not a relationship. If you don't understand them, you are going to always be trying to control them. The way we do with pets. People are different. Not only do we want to know the reason you are trying to train us, but we also want to do everything in our power to defy and be ourselves.
I realize this is a slightly off. It's difficult to write about and trying to take responsibility for my half of the relationship. But even under the circumstances, he really should have been nicer to me. I suppose that is what happens when you try to make it work with the wrong person. When I met him, I was in a tight spot in my life, he was nicer than most guys I had met in my life, so I thought I'd give him a shot. He was my hero, and I treated him as such, but as time passed, he started hating everything about me. I don't know why, perhaps it was my attitude on life, that I wasn't doing everything I could do to make my life better. I was already going to college, and yeah I had spare time, but I have a child, and I was a young mother. I am still trying to figure out how to spend time with him. And the best way I know how is to at least be in the same building. My son has aspergers, he doesn't ask for my affection, and rarely asks for my attention. He is content with his toys all by himself in his room. So I was content, with the simple things. The small things. And when I had money to save, I would spend it taking him to the movies or dinner. Having a good time now. But this was one of the little things that would bother him. It bothered him that I wouldn't save my money for my "car". I still don't absolutely need one. I pay my friends for gas, I help them fix their car when it breaks, and I treat them to coffee or drinks. I am also very decent company for running arrends with. What I really never understood, was how much he wanted me to depend on him. He certainly hated it when I depended on anyone else, and it urked him that I was not independent. I was 23 when I met him. My 30th birthday is around the corner, and it's still: unreasonable to me -- how he expected me to have my life together. I had part time jobs here and there.
I still feel defensive about it, Cuz I never felt so attacked. Its like we were two different types of caterpillars. And I kept trying to build a cocoon, but he didn't like that it didn't look like his. So he kept stopping me and forcing me to build a new one. But no matter how many times I rebuilt it, he didn't want me to change. He didn't like what I was from the very start.




   

my little adventure... Begins!

Allrighty! I'm now  ganna spend some time looking like a serious duesher... I bought a mobile bluetooth keyboard-- to use with my phone... I think my second biggest regret is that the auto correct refuses to work... the first is that the buttons are soft and rubbery and make it difficult to push the damn buttons. As for why I look like a duech...  I'm at starbucks, blogging with my phone.
Yup I really wanted to write about this experience that I am having. I probably would feel better if I was at a coffee shop in chico, cuz I make  such an effort to be recognized. That it never bothers me when I get strange looks. However today, and right now, I'm in Sacramento. Very much plugged into the wifi of this here starbucks with the cheapest best for your buck non caffeinated drink. For one i am not entirely sure what I did with my caffeine pills. I could go through the trouble of finding them but then I would have more issues. I have an hour to kill before my bus arrives. And it's getting dwindled into nothing by people texting me.
So My friend Olivia ;) and her new bff gave me a ride here. It was a nice drive. I do enjoy that part in a road trip where the driver takes the wrong turn and all of a sudden my navigating skills are needed.  The funny part is I indirectly took my role. I simply pulled out my smartphone and I thankfully had the address still on my clipboard. And before I knew how I did what I did, the nice operator voice was telling us how to get to our destination. So I'm gonna take the megabus it certainly sounds fun. Mr. Coffee says I should find a better word for "fun" since I like to say "fun stuff" so often. A common complaint, I am sure, but really even the word "fun" is fun to say. Like the word "bucket"  followed by all the words that  start the same or  end the same, the list is endless, with no meaning, or ulterior motive, but to tease the brain into squeezing out some tickle me giggles.
I just got the information that no website would clarify. I will take a picture to show you. I am sure if you wait long enough the answer would come clear, but, for someone who arrived as early as I did, I wanted, needed, to know where the bus parked itself.  That is at the end of the platform for the train closer to the thrift shop not the light.