a butterfly? moth? dragonfly? ladybug? something new?

 The best way to write, is to start typing... I have been so hyper focused on moving on, that I had forgotten what I was moving on from. I guess that's how it should work. They say the best way to improve your writing is to read, read many books that use big words, words that make you question if you are guessing it correctly. So you google it, just in case, and then you find that you were right. That's always a pleasant feeling, to know you figured something out on your own, and that you were right. It's different from knowing the knowledge and then being right.
I have so much resentment towards my ex-fionce. He might say I provoked him to act the way he did. And perhaps hes right, but really he was barking up the wrong tree. You should not persue someone you don't understand. If anything you can persue a friendship. But not a relationship. If you don't understand them, you are going to always be trying to control them. The way we do with pets. People are different. Not only do we want to know the reason you are trying to train us, but we also want to do everything in our power to defy and be ourselves.
I realize this is a slightly off. It's difficult to write about and trying to take responsibility for my half of the relationship. But even under the circumstances, he really should have been nicer to me. I suppose that is what happens when you try to make it work with the wrong person. When I met him, I was in a tight spot in my life, he was nicer than most guys I had met in my life, so I thought I'd give him a shot. He was my hero, and I treated him as such, but as time passed, he started hating everything about me. I don't know why, perhaps it was my attitude on life, that I wasn't doing everything I could do to make my life better. I was already going to college, and yeah I had spare time, but I have a child, and I was a young mother. I am still trying to figure out how to spend time with him. And the best way I know how is to at least be in the same building. My son has aspergers, he doesn't ask for my affection, and rarely asks for my attention. He is content with his toys all by himself in his room. So I was content, with the simple things. The small things. And when I had money to save, I would spend it taking him to the movies or dinner. Having a good time now. But this was one of the little things that would bother him. It bothered him that I wouldn't save my money for my "car". I still don't absolutely need one. I pay my friends for gas, I help them fix their car when it breaks, and I treat them to coffee or drinks. I am also very decent company for running arrends with. What I really never understood, was how much he wanted me to depend on him. He certainly hated it when I depended on anyone else, and it urked him that I was not independent. I was 23 when I met him. My 30th birthday is around the corner, and it's still: unreasonable to me -- how he expected me to have my life together. I had part time jobs here and there.
I still feel defensive about it, Cuz I never felt so attacked. Its like we were two different types of caterpillars. And I kept trying to build a cocoon, but he didn't like that it didn't look like his. So he kept stopping me and forcing me to build a new one. But no matter how many times I rebuilt it, he didn't want me to change. He didn't like what I was from the very start.




   

my little adventure... Begins!

Allrighty! I'm now  ganna spend some time looking like a serious duesher... I bought a mobile bluetooth keyboard-- to use with my phone... I think my second biggest regret is that the auto correct refuses to work... the first is that the buttons are soft and rubbery and make it difficult to push the damn buttons. As for why I look like a duech...  I'm at starbucks, blogging with my phone.
Yup I really wanted to write about this experience that I am having. I probably would feel better if I was at a coffee shop in chico, cuz I make  such an effort to be recognized. That it never bothers me when I get strange looks. However today, and right now, I'm in Sacramento. Very much plugged into the wifi of this here starbucks with the cheapest best for your buck non caffeinated drink. For one i am not entirely sure what I did with my caffeine pills. I could go through the trouble of finding them but then I would have more issues. I have an hour to kill before my bus arrives. And it's getting dwindled into nothing by people texting me.
So My friend Olivia ;) and her new bff gave me a ride here. It was a nice drive. I do enjoy that part in a road trip where the driver takes the wrong turn and all of a sudden my navigating skills are needed.  The funny part is I indirectly took my role. I simply pulled out my smartphone and I thankfully had the address still on my clipboard. And before I knew how I did what I did, the nice operator voice was telling us how to get to our destination. So I'm gonna take the megabus it certainly sounds fun. Mr. Coffee says I should find a better word for "fun" since I like to say "fun stuff" so often. A common complaint, I am sure, but really even the word "fun" is fun to say. Like the word "bucket"  followed by all the words that  start the same or  end the same, the list is endless, with no meaning, or ulterior motive, but to tease the brain into squeezing out some tickle me giggles.
I just got the information that no website would clarify. I will take a picture to show you. I am sure if you wait long enough the answer would come clear, but, for someone who arrived as early as I did, I wanted, needed, to know where the bus parked itself.  That is at the end of the platform for the train closer to the thrift shop not the light.

The Thieves Guild

There is no trust amongst  thieves,  and yet they all congregate in one place. Who's brilliant yet stupid idea was this?  Why their guild master of course. Though he might be the most skilled,  he is the loneliest,  and most nieve. He trusts his fellow thieves,  more than other people.  Yet his guild'ies are the ones that steal and take advantage of him every day.
Word of advice,  your valuables are not safe in his home. So don't leave them there. 

cell phone experiment

I want to see how much I can write from my phone. I could go to the restroom and try my luck at recording my voice into words,  but unless I have a script to read from, my words just don't get written the same.  But I think this is probably equally frustrating.  I have the new Galaxy s4, so I'm using swipe to type everything.  Basically I am typing without having to lift my finger from the screen,  and hopefully auto-correct doesn't screw me over on the words I am typing. So forgive me for not having the best grammar.
     I'm sitting at Starbucks with my son, and I'm feeling grateful.  Everyone is going through a revelation, an apocalypse if you will, an end to the way they used to be, because the world demands a change from them.  I'm not worried for them, I am excited to see the results cuz I know they will pull through. And come out better for it.  I might be too. Though I still feel very much the same, I know a great part of me has died.  I don't think she is worth resurrecting.  I'm very much alive, but I'm covered in scars and I'm afraid there is no hiding them. This must be what war veterans go through, the ones that haven't gone "hard" the ones that were never meant to serve,  but we're forced to,  and came back alive all traumatized. .. I still want to ask my uncles what it was like.  But they spent the the last three decades trying to forget,  so who am I to ask them to re-live it. I think that's why I never ask people about their hardships, I figure if they want to talk about it, they will.
I'm looking forward to Easter.  I miss my family,  they are all assholes,  but they are apart of who I am. I still look forward to Mexico.  I'll make it happen. Until I do I'm not doing anything else!  Fuck everything else!  My son will come with me.  And my dad is going to be doing a bunch of acceptance, and explaining. .. I don't know how to begin to explain what I want from Mexico.
    All I know is that it's been calling to me the way only a place called home could.

My life is starting again

I would have never thought things would work out so well. I am so fucking happy right now! I am terrified of having it all ripped away, but for now, I am going to relish in it.
I haven't been practicing yoga simply my self perseverance. My horoscope recommended I get back to my roots. At first I thought it was talking about Mexico, I still plan on Mexico,but its on hold until all the paperwork crap is over. 5 years of John has turned me into a bit of an illiterate. I was reading some of my work from before John and I, and I had way better choices for words... but many more spelling errors. Probably has to do with all the weed I have smoked these past 5 years I wish I didn't need a man in my life to keep me happy, but I am happy to have met someone new. I think I like him. But who knows, it's barely been a few weeks, and I still don't know if anything is official, but maybe that's his way of giving me freedom? Its not that I need to be with other people, it's that I don't want commitments, cuz commitments freak me the fuck out right now. So technically he's just what I need right now. I am smitten. Rediculous! Right? I've barely been in the dating game for a few weeks well a month or two and I've met maybe 6-7 guys, and I've been on several dates, and this one, is the one I like...
well it took me a whole year or 2 but here I am. My new home still feels temporary, but it's mine and I don't care if eventually I have to pack It back up. For now it's everything I need, and I will make the most of it and be happy. My son is so much happier too. We have little chats everyday, he now reads to me. And sure he gets a little upset about small stuff because he's still dealing with the loss of John, but that's okay too.
I'm working on a better blog because I know I need to. I recently went looking for anything that resembled my brain, And I found nothing. I always carry a notebook, a small notebook in my purse with me at all times. Yet I did not find anything that resembled a Journal entry. 5 notebooks for 5 years and none of them had much of an opinion. I just had some slapstick happy thoughts, some very mindfull opinions, none of them were me.