It's strange, when you realize you are doing the very thing you were angry at your ex for. I want to go into extensive detail about someone who made an impact in my life: the rebound guy.
He wasn't the best of people, but he wasn't the worst. He was a cripple (metaphorically speaking). No one is truly going through life on their own, something about life, in life, keeps them going. However some people depend on other things too much. This was the case for my friend, the rebound guy. This much I understood about him. I found that we had many things in common, but the one thing that stood out, was our interactions with people, similar, but different. In my world, I have potential lovers, and minions. I don't really "friend-zone" people, I lead them on. I believed it was a similar case for my friend. We both love coffee, and have a special place in our hearts for The Beatles. On everything else, we were pretty different.
It was in those differences that I found myself trapped in a puzzle, a brain teazer, being someone who enjoys math, I couldn't get enough of him. I wanted more. He did not. -- I found myself in the same predicament as my x-fiance, trying to date someone I couldn't understand, trying to control him, but really it was me who would end up being controlled. I found myself being mean to him, punishing him for being himself. I wanted him to take better care of himself, but he had no desire to. I could make up excuses for him, but that wont change anything. All I can do, is hope he takes responsibility for his actions, and the consequences. I stopped hanging out with him when I couldn't bare his unwillingness to love me back. This much about the past is clear. Now and everything in-between is a puzzle, I don't understand, we tried being just friends, but it wasn't working for me. What I do know is that there is no sense in remaining his friend. There is nothing logical about keeping him around, now that I have found my love.
The rebound guy did as rebound guys do, he helped me move on from my x-fiance, he even gave me an extra nudge in the self esteem department. Maybe more than what I am not giving him credit for. How can I know for sure what I am doing on my own or if it's his doing? I let him go, because at one point in my life I witnessed true love. I don't remember or recall from where, but it wasn't what he was offering.
Since I became a mother, I've realized my mistakes sooner, sometimes I knew I was walking into one, but I have made several efforts to correct these mistakes for the sake of my son. I don't want him to grow up thinking that what I had with his father, was what love looks like. I want him to know what a healthy relationship looks like. So far I have failed miserably. But I believe love exists. I want to believe it can happen for me.
I grew up with my parents setting the example of constantly disagreeing with each other, yelling, sometimes being romantic and childish. Growing up after my parents divorced was even gloomier. My mother was in constant pain, but she catered to my sister's and I's wants and needs; overcompensating for the absence of our father; trying to make up for her failed marriage. This is what I was used to by the time I was an adult, being spoiled with "fun" while someone else suffered on my behalf. This is what I was taught love looked like. I believe this is the root of my pattern of failed relationships. I really think I am breaking free from this routine with my love.
A part of me regrets that I could not help my friend, that I wasn't the right tool to dig him out of his rut. Another part of me is angry with myself, because I only valued myself as much as a tool. I didn't want him to be miserable, but every time I tried to control him, miserable is what he would be. Recognizing this pattern was easy, Admitting that it was wrong, was the difficult part. Admitting that real love is simple, was the hardest lesson.
