a butterfly? moth? dragonfly? ladybug? something new?

 The best way to write, is to start typing... I have been so hyper focused on moving on, that I had forgotten what I was moving on from. I guess that's how it should work. They say the best way to improve your writing is to read, read many books that use big words, words that make you question if you are guessing it correctly. So you google it, just in case, and then you find that you were right. That's always a pleasant feeling, to know you figured something out on your own, and that you were right. It's different from knowing the knowledge and then being right.
I have so much resentment towards my ex-fionce. He might say I provoked him to act the way he did. And perhaps hes right, but really he was barking up the wrong tree. You should not persue someone you don't understand. If anything you can persue a friendship. But not a relationship. If you don't understand them, you are going to always be trying to control them. The way we do with pets. People are different. Not only do we want to know the reason you are trying to train us, but we also want to do everything in our power to defy and be ourselves.
I realize this is a slightly off. It's difficult to write about and trying to take responsibility for my half of the relationship. But even under the circumstances, he really should have been nicer to me. I suppose that is what happens when you try to make it work with the wrong person. When I met him, I was in a tight spot in my life, he was nicer than most guys I had met in my life, so I thought I'd give him a shot. He was my hero, and I treated him as such, but as time passed, he started hating everything about me. I don't know why, perhaps it was my attitude on life, that I wasn't doing everything I could do to make my life better. I was already going to college, and yeah I had spare time, but I have a child, and I was a young mother. I am still trying to figure out how to spend time with him. And the best way I know how is to at least be in the same building. My son has aspergers, he doesn't ask for my affection, and rarely asks for my attention. He is content with his toys all by himself in his room. So I was content, with the simple things. The small things. And when I had money to save, I would spend it taking him to the movies or dinner. Having a good time now. But this was one of the little things that would bother him. It bothered him that I wouldn't save my money for my "car". I still don't absolutely need one. I pay my friends for gas, I help them fix their car when it breaks, and I treat them to coffee or drinks. I am also very decent company for running arrends with. What I really never understood, was how much he wanted me to depend on him. He certainly hated it when I depended on anyone else, and it urked him that I was not independent. I was 23 when I met him. My 30th birthday is around the corner, and it's still: unreasonable to me -- how he expected me to have my life together. I had part time jobs here and there.
I still feel defensive about it, Cuz I never felt so attacked. Its like we were two different types of caterpillars. And I kept trying to build a cocoon, but he didn't like that it didn't look like his. So he kept stopping me and forcing me to build a new one. But no matter how many times I rebuilt it, he didn't want me to change. He didn't like what I was from the very start.