Summer is finally here

So when I finnally finished my finals...
I had to work. I had to pack up my things so that I could move to my new place. Then I had to clean the old place. And now I can finally sit back, and play The Sims3, and Skyrim. I could also play some of the several indie games my bf bought me. But why play those when I could be playing Skyrim? So that is what I plan on doing this summer. I am sorry to report I have nothing to rant about at the moment. These are the melancholy days of a bottled up female.

When I Grow Up, I Don't Want To

     When I grow up, I want to be famous. That's what I had decided when I was in middle school. I had come to accept that I was terrible at science, and I did not want to dissect a worm especially if I couldn't sew it back together to revive it. When I was a child, you see, I wanted to be a veterinarian, and on my spare time I wanted to be an artist. This was the decision I came to; after having a brief conversation with my father, who pointed out that "artists don't make very much money," and that I liked animals so maybe I should be a vet. When I reached college, I found out that artists can make money after all. After hearing an amazing life story from one of my art teachers I decided that multimedia studies might be the way to go. I mean it would make me sound like the Swiss army knife of Art. Then reality happened, I managed to get a few internships, and landed a job with a small time newspaper, which later on fired me for trying too hard... really that is what it boils down to. I found myself defeated. “I am conforming...” I feel this happens to the majority of people, they feel defeated at some point, stop fighting the system and conform. How much of this feeling is myself, how much of it, is perpetuated by what the media says I should do? How many different types of factors are in play, when someone does decide, what they want to be when they grow up?

     Well what if self-defeat happened at a younger age? How about a much younger age, say 8-10? What if instead of having big dreams of being your own boss, all you want to do is be lucky enough to have a job. This commercial was exactly that. In fact, it affected me then, the same way it does now.

     The ad begins "When I grow up, I want to file all day. I want to claw my way up to middle management. Be replaced on a whim. I want to have a brown nose. I want to be a yes man. A yes woman. Yes sir, coming sir. Anything for a raise sir. When I grow up. When I grow up. I want to be under-appreciated. Be paid less for doing the same job. I want to be forced into early retirement." "What did you want to be? Monster.com there's a better job out there" (1999 monster.com commercial)

      "There's a better job out there" the first catch phrase they used at the end of their logo, and a good one at that. This commercial was intended to reach out to middle aged people, who probably already have a job, or just got laid off. Undertones of what this commercial really says is "This is what our website has to offer, a better place, a better job, come look at our website, we will help you find the job, you not only want, but need." But what message does this commercial send to people still in middle school? or high school? It says "There is no room for individuality in the 'adult' world. A job is when you trade in your soul for money." This commercial preys on the fear of growing up and becoming an adult. It says "Our website can help prevent all those bad things from happening. We will be your safety blanket."

     I blame this commercial, and a few TV shows out there for Peter Pan Syndrome (a syndrome that has yet to be considered a psychopathology). The basic description, if you have not guessed it already; adults who refuse to "grow up" they behave like teenagers. “’These are failed adults.... Those who return become weak, indisciplined and infantile,’ warns Dan Kiley, the Tucson, Ariz., psychologist who wrote ‘The Peter Pan Syndrome.’”(Mark Muro, Boston Globe). In eastern countries, they have a term for this age group they call them N.E.E.T.'s (Not in Education, Employment or Training) young people ranging from 16-24 in the United Kingdom, and 15-34 in Japan.(Peter Kingston) Alright, so this commercial is not responsible for PPS, but it certainly holds its two cents, it affects the way a younger demographic would view the future that awaits them. In the interview with Kay Hymowitz, she quotes men from her studies (in regards to “growing up” and marriage), “I have had any number of men say to me, well, why do I have to even be thinking about this? I could be well into my thirties or 40s even before I marry.” Young adults with PPS want to be like the people from sitcoms “Friends” or “Sienfeld” 30-somethings with no kids and no commitments.

     This was Monster.com's first super-bowl commercial, they hired Mullen Advertising of Wenham, Mass. Director Bryan Buckley was shooting the commercial, he said “There was an entirely different board when I won the job somebody sitting in a shrink chair, talking to a psychiatrist about getting a better job. They switched it to “When I Grow Up” at the last second,” I would have nothing to write about if they had gone with their first idea. I found a second version of the commercial, they have a different child saying “I want to have a brown nose” and at the end; instead of “I want to be forced into early retirement.” They have the little girl who wanted the brown nose saying “I want sunshine blown up my dress.”

     Visually, this commercial did a great job. They picked young children, who are at that age where we adults start to encourage them to think about the future. The commercial was shot in black and white, and for some reason anything filmed in black and white always makes us think of the past, our past. This worked perfectly for this commercial; not only are they young they are clean, which makes us feel like they have good potential. What made this commercial so significant, was that it was believable. Sure after watching for the first time we all laughed and probably said something along the lines of "oh, those poor dears." But we were left with a fear, what if that was us? "Well, no couldn't be, we wanted superhero jobs, like astronauts, or firemen; but if that's us now, we better check out that website."

     A tone of naiveness, starts in with the first child, he is clean, his hair is a little long, but it was cut straight. He is wearing overalls and sits on a porch of: a house on a farm, perhaps? His voice is deep and slow, but he speaks clearly, so he must be educated. "When I grow up, I want to file all day." This is what the possibly 13 year old said, but to file all day, would be very boring and a quite meaningless job with no self-fulfillment what so ever. Yet that’s what this child wants to do. He represents the child of America, from the late 1800's when children were still allowed to work, they would wear overalls, and a hat, they came from the farm but went to the city to find high paying job. (Most ended up in factories). They went to school too, but gave it up, to work. So to have a job that doesn't involve the labor of a farm, or the dangers of a factory may be appealing to this child. That's why this child was first.

     The second child, is a younger boy about eight or nine, with big ears and beady determined eyes, a sharp but slightly crooked hair-cut, and a slightly high-pitched but still masculine voice says "I want to claw my way up to middle management. "You cannot make out the background, it's out of focus and purposely so. This child represents a lab-mouse, always spinning the wheel, but never going anywhere, that’s what that statement really means. Important enough, because he keeps the “wheels” turning, but not smart enough, to move on to a better job. To "want" to claw your way up to middle management, means that you: want to, and like to, suffer. Really, who does that, works hard all their life, just to get to the middle, and not the top? I'll tell you who, mice.

     The third child, a skinny kind of lanky girl, plane in the face, wavy almost frizzy but short hair, in front of another farm-like setting says "be replaced on a whim." The very thing about this girl is that she looks like so many other girls out there. She'd be working for someone who doesn’t see her skills as valuable, and thinks that her job can be done by anyone, “A dime a dozen” they’ll say.

     The fourth, another girl, in a garden setting, her hair in two braids, she is nicely dressed, and she says while moving from side to side "I want a brown nose." Because she is in the garden setting, she represents the rich, because she so unknowingly, yet so willingly said what was asked of her with a smile on her face, we can believe she is naive. So when she grows up, what will we expect for her, but to not have the skills she needs to advance in life, because everything has always been given to her. So naturally good manners and flattery are what this girl has left, and hence become that self-fulfilling prophecy.

     The fifth and sixth, a boy and a girl. Both are African American. The boy is from a country setting. The girl is from the city. Both want to be "Yes" people. The 7th, a boy that nods his head up and down, while his lines "Yes, Sir, coming Sir" are played. The way he says it, and the way he nods, makes me think he will become a great Waiter. Then The 8th child slowly chimes in "Anything for a raise Sir." This boy dressed in a cap, and jacket, seems ready. Ready to do his job, whatever it will be. This child is in front of: what at first glance looks like a construction zone, but at a closer look you can figure out that it’s a tall stack of coil spring mattresses, (without the cloth or fluffy material). This says so much. Like the princess and the pea, a fairy tale that claims if you are a true princess you will be able to feel the discomfort of a pea under a stack of 100 mattresses. The worst part of that story is that you would have to climb to the top of the mattresses just to prove that you are what you say you are. That’s why these mattresses are here. It was a ridiculous task for the princess, but she put herself through it, just to prove herself. And that is the hardship that "Yes" men and woman face.

     Children nine and ten start off "When I grow up" "When I grow up..." one is a well-dressed girl in a country setting, the other an African American boy, plainly dressed, who is also in a country setting this says the girl probably owns a horse or two, and is well off. The boy is probably just a farmer. Right after them is child eleven, who is on an Arial lift, and his cable car is on its way down. With a sad look on his face he says "I want to be under-appreciated." This group of children, that are from all walks of life, want a job where no one cares how important their job is, they don't want any praise or glory, there is no fulfillment in this, but they don't care, because no one cares about them.

     The twelfth child, a girl, who is not pretty, rather plain, messed up hair, in a country setting, wearing overalls, says "Be paid less for doing the same job." This is a situation that happens in a few different situations, but in this girls case, I assume she may have been demoted, and yet she is still doing the same job, the problem she's getting paid less, it happens.

     The thirteenth and final child, a boy with glasses, a big nose, and a straight hair cut, says "I want to be forced into early retirement." This boy looks like he could be a boss someday. He could run a business, and one day he will be kicked off his throne by someone younger and more up-to-date with the times. Here is the kicker, the reason they decided to go with this statement “I want to be forced into early retirement” instead of “I want sunshine blown up my dress” because it really does happen. People get forced into early retirement all the time. Had they ended their commercial with “I want sunshine blown up my dress” they could have been accused of doing that themselves: making false promises, with their website you could find the job that is right for you. What if you couldn’t? Then you get people like Lev Grossman, who question why we have so many "young adults" taking their time at growing up.

     Believable? Yes, is this really the case? no, these are hired actors. But nevertheless that "fear" was real. We believed it for a second, and a second was all it took. When you get a commercial like this one, not only preying on your very real fears of adulthood, but exploiting them, you get people who are afraid. Afraid of success, afraid of accomplishing anything -- because to accomplish something, means you are capable of being independent; and to be independent means you are capable of getting a job, and to get a job means you are an adult. "When you are successful, ... you have to grow up. ‘Growing up’... means that you can't hand ... your usual stock of rationalizations and excuses. You will be expected to deliver." says Christine Ballew-Gonzales.

     In the year 1989 the TV sitcom Seinfeld began and lasted till 1998. In the year 1994 the TV sitcom Friends started, and lasted till 2004. In 1998 the TV sitcom That 70's Show began and continued till 2006. These TV shows have a few things in common, they were sitcoms that all started in the 90's and were still being re-run through 2000-2010. These sitcoms were about people who started off single, the casts of these people where from the age of 14 to 40, and they each had at least one character who had full blown Peter Pan Syndrome. However these where fictional characters so I cannot prove it as fact. What we do know, is that N.E.E.T.’s range from the ages of 15-34, and people with PPS are on average the ages of 20-35. And yet here we have this commercial to have come out in 1999, when the unemployment rate was only at 4.5% before the recession, before 9-11, before Occupy Wall Street, and still become as popular as they did, shows how much of an impact this commercial made. If this commercial was to air today, today when the unemployment rate is at 8.3%, and to be aired when now, that our generation is of working age. Now that we as adolescents’ watched from our classrooms, through the TV, those twin towers become rubble. Now that the economy has failed us, to the point that millions of people around the world became involved with Occupy Wallstreet, because our representatives, people who we elected to represent us, failed. Now, when the country needs a hero.  Imagine the product of fear.

Works Cited

Ad Publishing Information. Adland.tv  n.d. Web. Feb 28, 2012

< http://adland.tv/commercials/monstercom-when-i-grow-1999-030-usa >

Christine Champagne. “Spot On” Directors Guild of America. Winter 2012. dga.org. Web. Feb

28, 2012 < http://www.dga.org/Craft/DGAQ/All-Articles/1201-Winter-2012/Superbowl-Commercials.aspx>

Monster Worldwide. Press Room. “Time Magazine Applauds Monster.com Commercial as ‘The

best Television of 1999’”.n.d. monster.com. Web. Feb 28, 2012 <

http://www.about-monster.com/content/time-magazine-applauds-monstercom-commercial-%E2%80%98-best-television-1999%E2%80%99 >

Mullenwen. Mullen Advertising. “Monster WhenIGrowUp” YouTube.com. uploaded May 21,

2009. Web. Feb 28, 2012.

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9o1wni3N5s&feature=related >

Christine Ballew-Gonzales. “Forget Fear of Failure - What Most Writers Fear Is Success”

WritersDigest. Writer-On-Line.com Dec. 3, 1999. Web. Feb 28, 2012 < http://www.writer-on-line.com/content/view/48/66/~Articles/Inspiration/Forget-Fear-of-Failure---What-Most-Writers-Fear-Is-Success.html >

Mark Muro. "You Can Go Home Again." Boston Globe (Boston, MA). 24 Jun 1992: 69+. SIRS

Issues Researcher. Web.  Feb 28, 2012 < http://libproxy2.butte.edu:2111/cgi-bin/hst-article-display?id=SCA3399-0-9617&artno=0000005954&type=ART&shfilter=U&key=%22peter%20pan%20syndrome%22&title=You%20Can%20Go%20Home%20Again&res=Y&ren=Y&gov=Y&lnk=Y&ic=N >
 

Lev Grossman. “Grow Up? Not So Fast.” Time. Cseweb.ucsd.edu. Jan 24, 2005. Web. Feb 28,

2012 < http://cseweb.ucsd.edu/~datorres/docs/grow_up_not_so_fast.pdf >

University of Granada. "Overprotecting Parents Can Lead Children To Develop 'Peter Pan

Syndrome'." ScienceDaily, 1 May 2007. Web. Feb 28, 2012. 

< http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/05/070501112023.htm >

Kay Hymowitz. Maureen Cavanaugh, Pat Finn. “’Manning Up” Unlikely For Twenty-

Somethings” KPBS. Kpbs.org. March 8, 2011. Web. Feb 28, 2012

< http://www.kpbs.org/news/2011/mar/08/manning-unlikely-twenty-somethings/ >

Peter Kingston. “Neet generation” The Guardian. guardian.co.uk. Nov 1, 2004. Web. Feb 28,

2012 < http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2004/nov/02/furthereducation.uk >

U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. “United States Unemployment Rate” Trading Economics.

tradingeconomics.com. n.d. Web. Feb 28,2012

< http://www.tradingeconomics.com/united-states/unemployment-rate >

Infoplease.com. “United States Unemployment Rate” Infoplease.com. n.d. Web.  Feb 29, 2012

< http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0104719.html >

 

Woman & Men

Equality is something women have fought for a long time with men. The reason we haven't reached this goal is for one too many reasons which I will  only list three of here:

One: too many women are codependent, and are in bad relationships with men who treat them like trash, and worse thing is they aren't too far away from fitting the profile.
lets face the facts, most codependent women don't know how to be independent (without wellfare) most of these women already have a child depending on them. So they accept: that the abusive husband they have is the best they will ever get. So these women will never rise to equality with men, because they will always be mans slave.

Two: Who needs equality when you have superiority? Some women have it all. They are Independent; meaning they have a job that pays the bills, Attractive, physically fit, most of the time single, but thats a good thing, cuz by the time this woman is ready to settle down, so is the man of her dreams. (most men don't even start thinking about having kids or getting married till they are 30). And when these woman get a boyfriend or any kind of male relationship, These men buy her gifts. Why? Cuz she already has everything she needs. So they cant trap her with empty promises of the world. This is the woman you should want to be. Men who marry this woman tend to treat her like a queen for the rest of their lives. (or so I would like to think)(couldn't say never experienced it right?)

Three: We like our cake and eat it too. I really never understood how this statement makes any sense, I know what it means, or how it interprets, but in its most literal sense, it makes no sense. I mean When you bake a cake, or buy one, its to eat it! Anyways.... We like to be equal but we also want to be old fashioned. The perfect example of this, there was a woman on Reddit arguing that she should have half of the money her husband brings in; only because she is entitled to it... The only way she could win this argument is if she divorced him, and took half of his assets. I'll tell you why. At this point in history we Americans are facing Economic Collapse, for her to be demanding half of her husbands income, is a bit ridiculous, she should be stepping up to the plate and bring money in too. This is what a woman seeking equality would do, but no, she was a stay at home mom. And: TAN TUM TUM! She plays WoW. now I do not know how much time she spends playing WoW, but since she plays enough of it to post stuff about it on Reddit, well I could assume she spends plenty of time playing it. Comparing her duties to mine; even if we took her word: that she keeps the house clean and takes care of the kids or kid, those are still things that are not that hard to do, if you are doing them right. (If you managed to raise your kid right), assuming the kids are well behaved, all she has to do is ask them to do their homework when they get home. Make them a snack, help them with their hw if they need it, start dinner; when her husband gets home serve dinner, then make sure her kids brush their teeth and have their clothes picked out for the morning before she puts them to bed. Most apartments these days come with dishwashers, so its highly likely that she only needs to rinse her dishes which only takes about half an hour. An average day for me on these things is about 6-8 hours of housewife/mother duties, even so I do not feel entitled to my fionces money, and I wouldn't feel entitled to it if we were married. Here is why:
My fiance is not rich, we are not middle class, and even if we were, He still pays most of the bills, and what is left after usually goes towards food. (this is sugar coating it, I am not about to go into my finances) So for this woman to want half from her husband: made me ask; Is she a "trophy" wife or a "soccer mom?" the answer was no. She is most likely over weight, (as am I) cuz as we all know you don't lose any weight when playing WoW. And soccer moms are too busy taking the kids to practice to play WoW. Why would I ask such a sexist question? it shouldn't matter right? not if he "loves" her? right? wrong. It matters. You want to be treated like a queen, Act and look like it honey. I know for a fact that those twinkys in the city spend most of their time at the beauty salon for a reason, not because they have nothing better to do with their time.
There are still 6 hours of the day available to get a part time job. (at the moment I am unemployed) and I know that a part time job would still not pay half the bills. But at least it would be my own. So if this woman wishes to have money of her own instead of getting it from her husband she should get a part-time job. The money would be her own cuz she earned it, and she earned the right to keep it cuz now she dose pull half the responsibilities. (but half the responsibilities, would still imply that she has to spend half of that money on bills, whether or not half of her income covers half the bills at least she is paying some of the bills, and still doing her wife/mommy duties, and that is equality.
For those of you who do not know what WoW is: WoW stands for World of WarCraft, it is an online MMO/RPG. If you don't know what that means, Google it. As for WoW its a very very addicting game, worse than farmville, if you know what that is...

Learning the Truth

When I was young, I was introduced to the idea of Santa Claus a little late. I was past the age of six, I remember that much. I was introduced to the concept of God; when I was much younger, yet didn’t really find meaning in all of it till I was about six. The funny thing Is; I accepted The existence of God. That God created the world in 7 days, but when my father told me of Santa Claus, I was like “nat ah”


The Truth about Santa Claus, is that I would have liked to believe in him, the concept is really awesome, if you truly truly believe, you can get all those awesome toys/gifts that you deserve, for being such a good kid. But I knew there wasn’t one. I knew that he was make-believe. I knew my poor parents where the ones getting me gifts, because I never really “wanted” for anything special, (for my first few years of life), therefore my parents would just pick something out for me. But of Course as I got older and began to understand that on Christmas, and my birthday, where days when my parents would spend large amounts of money on me, I learned to “want.”


And it was in the “wanting” that I got proof that there was no Santa Claus. It was the Scarlett O’Hara Barbie Doll, I may have been 6-8 years old, but I had spent so much time watching tv with my grandmother, that I had learned to have great taste in movies. So yes there is that about me, in my lifetime I have watched Gone With The Wind at least 10 times, (it’s a four hour movie) one that every girl who wishes to make something of herself should watch. I know it doesn’t teach good morals, but if you learn anything from it, is that Charm can take you a long way. So yes I wanted a Scarlett O’ Hara Barbie Doll. But I lived in Mexico, back then the dollar was 10 pesos, the Doll was 30 dollars, which was 300 pesos, So you can see my dilemma. Years Later, actually about 2-4 years ago, one of my best friends bought me the doll for Christmas, or my birthday, I can’t remember, cuz the dates are so close together.


Anyways… I have yet to undergo a circumstance where God was not real for me. It’s not like I prayed for a pony then got one, but I’ve always asked for guidance, and got some sort of answer, do I always follow the answer, no. I usually ignore it, but knowing the answer, lets me know he’s there.


I don’t really know why I started off with God and Santa Claus since I really wanted to talk about the truth I found out of the opinion of someone about me. It hurts. It always hurts. I really never understood why… and as I type this, I realize it’s human unpredictability. Perhaps it’s that they truly care; or don’t care enough, or that they care more about themselves. Probably the last one. Because let’s face it, Some people cannot handle the truth. So we would rather be lied to. We think we can handle anything, but we cannot. Some truths would make us go so crazy, that it could make us kill. Perhaps this is the predicament that my so called friend found themselves in. In their selfishness, to protect themselves, protecting the image of themselves to me; they went out of their way to deny me the truth.


Thinking about it makes me angry, but then haven’t we all lied to someone, just so that that person does not think that we are the “bad” person. Are we? Is this what they call “white lies?” It is the white lies that keep us going, is it not? Is God or Santa Claus our White LIES?

Safely walk to school without a sound

As I climbed into the bus and found my seat, the song I Think we are going to be friends – White Stripes, played on the radio. I thought to myself  “how perfect.”… So far it’s alright. I don’t actually feel board yet. Yet…
So instead of going straight to my blog to post this, I decided to type it in Microsoft word first. I am currently at my schools library, doing what I call “Pretending to do something productive” It’s what I would find myself doing when I would follow a friend into a computer lab, or when I was at work and didn’t really have anything worth doing. I will sit at a computer open up Microsoft work or any txt program really, and just start typing away. Sometimes I would just type “pretending to be doing something productive” over and over again. So that I don’t get caught I usually put on a crazy font that is hard to read from an over my shoulder distance, that way if someone asks, I say “oh it’s an article I am working on.” Now that I think about it, perhaps I shouldn’t be giving away this secret of mine. Especially if I plan on getting a job where the boss, is hopefully smart enough to search me on the internet. Thankfully I deleted my facebook, and tore apart my myspace. So really besides my email, this is really all that is left of me on the internet. But ehh, if they cannot appreciate a good blog; then I probably don’t want to work for them anyways.
So for 4 days out of the week I will be waking up super early, riding my bike in the cold, catching a bus to the main campus, learn about plants, have plenty of time on my hands to do homework and stuff… So far I have had a few complements on my hair, and one on my coat. My hair at the moment is turquoise with a bit more blue than green. I wanted just blue, but its turquoise… when I bleached the purple out my hair turned green with blond instead of just blond… also I have yet to find a light blue that sticks to my hair. All the blues I have tried (2 brands so far) don’t grab my hair, they act like shampoo and just sit on my hair but don’t grab my hair, therefor just rinsing out.
As for my coat, it buttons to the side of my chest, so one side of the collar is larger than the other, it’s pink, and has the texture of an old couch. It definitely looks like something an old lady would wear, but I love it. My boyfriend thinks it looks like cat skins, or cat throw up, I guess he doesn’t like how raggedy it is. So when I get a compliment on my coat, it makes me feel great cuz It’s PROOF that he is wrong about something. Anything that he is wrong about is usually a triumph for me, cuz he’s usually right about everything. Love him, but I love it when he’s wrong more….
Oh almost forgot to mention, My dad txted me again today. I hope it’s not because he thinks his txting is cheaper than talking, cuz when he gets his bill he’s probably ganna stop txting. By again, I mean oddly, he has been txting me, and I think my sister, once every other day, in the morning. He wishes us a good day, and love. So I don’t know what influenced him to contact us so often. Perhaps he read my blog and got a touch of guilt, or perhaps he also, like so many of us, fears his death is near, or that the end of the world is near, and since traveling is out of the question for him, perhaps this is his way of staying in touch with my sister and I… It’s still not enough. It helps, don’t get me wrong. I appreciate it, it makes me a bit happy to read from him, but it also makes me a little sad.
Ahh yes, the library is full, and a free computer is a limited resource especially on the first day of school. I feel like I’m getting away with something here. Like the cheap thrill of stealing sugar packets from the coffee shops, they are complimentary sugars, but it’s not like your drink actually needs sugar, so you grab some anyways, 3-5 packets and stuff them in your purse, or wallet…. Yes… sugar… but I guess I don’t have anything to write about anymore. So I am going to leave you now. The one thing you should never steal is colors. Leave the colors be. (im not talking about paint or crayons or art supplies) I’m talking about rainbows. Leave them alone they are perfect the way they are. Uniforms only depress people.

My Father

Two days ago I saw my fathers face for the first time in 17 years. That would be the length of time my parents have been divorced. It was 17 years ago that we left him in Mexico, like we had so many times before for the summer, but that time we never came back. My sister, who writes a blog in Spanish, shes very proud that she remembers how to speak & write it, so good at it in fact she teaches a class how to speak it; anyways she had sent me a txt with his picture. I first saw the picture & thought why is my sister sending me a picture of some old dude? the txt at the bottom said my dad had sent her the picture, I took a second look, I was speechless. For 5 minutes straight I didn't know what to say, I showed the picture to my bf, who did not seem to grasp the impact this was having on me, just said "huh" or something along those lines, anyways... I txted my sister back with "wow. he looks nothing like what I remember" she agreed.
I turn 27 today. I have yet to accomplish anything I thought that I would by the time I reached this age. I have always wondered if my life would have turned out differently if my dad was still in the picture. My picture my family, but for the last 17 years he has been a memory, and we talk only about 3 times a year, never really knowing what to say. For these 2 days & few hours I find myself starring at his picture. I turned it into one of the three wallpapers on my phone. Hes so old now. The top of his head is completely bald, his once bushy eyebrows are so thin he might as well draw them on. I hung out with my mother a few hours later, I showed her the picture, she never has a pleasant word to say about him. She was also surprised to see how Age had taken its toll on his face. I then looked at her & realized she was getting old too. She hadn't dyed her hair in more than a year, her grey hairs where at least 6 inches long. All the frowning she dose, gave her so many wrinkles.
Here I am 27 years old, I did manage to live on my own for a little while, I did get married, I had a shared art show, but a few people showed up just to see the things I created. Now I have needed so much help to get myself out of problems I created for myself, I had help getting divorced, Heck I had help leaving the guy. and now I'm not sure if I have accomplished anything else. I'm still in college. I dye my hair bright unusual colors, refusing my own natural hair color.
Yet here I am starring at the picture of my father.
He sent me a txt this morning, "Hola pequena como la estas pasando, feliz cumpleanos pasala bien un abraso y un beso, abre tu correo y contesta" (that was spanish).
I responded with "HOLA Papa estoy bien, gracias! Banjo me ensenio tu photo, que no tienes una de ti sonriando? Te extranio mucho"
He said "Yo tambien t extrano mucho t amo cuidate y cuida al gio besos"

I am disappointed by the shortness of the conversation. I cant blame him, after all, he's in Mexico, & txts are probably super expensive. I am sorry if this seemed depressing, or sarcastic I'm sure the next time I write about anything it will be more uplifting.
remember to breathe.